Monday, August 17, 2009

Real Labour, False Labour?!? Can Someone Throw Me a Fricken Bone?

Well my dearest munchkin, the body of an overdue pregnant woman is certainly an enigma. I thought, as today went on, that you would soon (at least in the next 24 hours) make your appearance but once again, I'm not so sure. The contractions I had been experiencing for most of the day have slowed *sniff sniff* which is the reverse of what should happen. Apparently they pick up in speed and intensity, not the other way around. If you are like your mum, you don't like being told what to do, but physiologically this is the way it has to be in order for you to leave your cozy nest. Your dad excitedly posted his wonderful and funny blog entry and I hate to bring down the vibe but I worry about giving false hope to the many people who are eagerly anticipating your arrival. Heck, I gave myself false hope and now I sit in an immaculate home (I had cleaned all day thinking we would have visitors sooner rather than later) with an unnecessary watch on my wrist (to time contractions) facing the likelihood of yet ANOTHER baby-free evening. I think I am going to soothe myself with ice cream.

Granted early labour can last a looooooong time so perhaps there is still hope. Please munchkin, let's not disappoint - everyone say it with me 'Sean, head towards the light!'

Early Labour. Anticipation. Emancipation.

Hey Sean!
It's dad here! Haven't blogged in awhile, but your mum has been doing a great job! I still love you just as much so don't worry about that. It's very likely that your dad will add more to this current 'novella' in the days ahead as it appears you are on your way into this crazy world. Yep - mum's in something called "early labour".
At this point in time I've found that early labour involves:

1) text messages to your dad at work to "call home pls"
2) unsolicited details from your mum about things that happen to a pregnant woman's body that men should never be privy to
3) a short list of sundry items to pick up at the grocery on the way home
4) a brief tutorial from a guide on what to expect during this phase and heading into the next
5) gassing up your mum's Jeep, as small town stations close very early
6) burritos for dinner

So far that's all I've got on early labour. I know it's not much, but for now we'll have to go with it.

Quick turn of events, though. Just last Friday we went to see Dr. Wavy Eyes and he told us that we'd have to 'induce' your mum next Friday and that we'd likely see you on Saturday at some time. Well, as you already know from your eviction notice and the legal team after you to vacate your current premises, your mum was having no part of that. And evidently, neither were you. Good boy! Last night you were flopping around like it was no one's business, stretching and kicking and clawing to get out for what seemed like hours. Then today you decided enough was enough, settled in, and set your mum's body into 'go time'. Wow. What a feeling this is!
So Sean, my precious little bundle of joy, this will be your dad's last post with you in the womb. Next one I get to start telling you about how you're doing as a human in the outside world. I'm sure I'll be telling you about how cute you looked when you came out, how happy I was to hold you for the first time, the intense overwhelming love, how you peed in my face and pooped all over me. Good times ahead!
Thanks for doing your part so well so far. I'm looking forward to doing mine.

Love already,

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Dear Sir

Attn: Sean Marcus Thorup
c/o: Uterus of Pauline Stewart (Thorup)

We have received the medical recommendation that you have submitted for an extension of your stay in Mrs. Stewart (Thorup) - furthermore to be known as, your Mum. Although this is not the ideal circumstance for the parties involved, especially your Mum, we have to accept the directed course of action given by Dr. Tomc your current primary caregiver and expert in this case.

Therefore, as directed, should you be unable to vacate the premises without assistance before August 21st 2009, medical action will be taken to expedite the process. At the very latest, we expect that the uterus in question will be free by midnight August, 22nd.

Do not hesitate to contact our office should you have questions or concerns.


The law office of Vandelay and VanNostren

Monday, August 10, 2009

Your First Eviction Notice

Dear Sean,

Well, I am officially shutting down my psychic hotline. In my heart of hearts, 'knew' that you would be early - I was even so confident as to pick two dates that we could expect you; either July 31st or August 3rd. This would have made you a week to 10 days old right now and I fully expected to be blogging about the joys of new motherhood, the routine that we had settled into as a family and the dramatic weight loss I had already experienced (yes, I can hear the snickers of previously pregnant friends at these expectations :). I also had expected that I would have indulged in a couple of glasses of wine by this point (small and well spaced out of course as per breastfeeding guidelines but wine would have touched my tongue nonetheless). My plan went horribly awry when you failed to appear on either one of those dates. I thought 'well, DEFINITELY by the weekend then!' and chuckled knowingly. Well guess what my dearest son? It is now Monday morning, August 10th at 10:45 am and you have yet to show your little red, wrinkled face to us. Not only that, but there is zero indication that this will change anytime soon. I have tried red raspberry tea, long walks, hot and spicy Mexican food, going up and down the stairs, squatting and mentally willing you to come out. All this produced was sore legs and gas. No baby. To add insult to injury, guess what the temperature was outside yesterday? 34 BLOODY DEGREES! Walking outside is how I imagine that walking into Hell would be - not that I'm going there of course.

Yes, your due date is still two days off but at this point you are large - likely over 8lbs (and I don't know of a word that conveys that someone is bigger than 'ginormous,' but if there is one then use that to describe me). You are laying on my bladder all day every day meaning that I am in the restroom constantly (at least I think I have decided on colours to repaint when we have time, I've also finished quite a bit of reading - I should have probably bought one of those Rosetta Stones and learned a new language ... how funny would that be? My next blog could have been called 'German during Gestation')and due to my girth, aches and frequent bathroom breaks I am unable to sleep at night. I get winded going up the stairs, cannot see my feet and if these stretch marks crawl any further up my stomach then they will be on my face by the time you decide to show up. Your room has needed to be dusted AND vacuumed since it was put together which is surprising since there has been zero traffic in there *hint hint.*

Yes, in my last post I was very earth-motherish extolling the virtues of being pregnant and talking about how I will miss our time together. I probably will still miss the time together but my message this post is simple - PLEASE VACATE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY! (I'm not naive enough to think that you would be able to leave in an hour so you are being given 24 hours in which to follow this order ... I think that this timeframe is very fair). Failure to follow this order will result in ... well, I'm not sure exactly but likely a weepy, begging post. You don't want your mom to be weepy - just ask your dad.

We just can't wait to meet you and start our lives together as a family.

Looking forward to seeing you SOON!