Monday, August 10, 2009

Your First Eviction Notice

Dear Sean,

Well, I am officially shutting down my psychic hotline. In my heart of hearts, 'knew' that you would be early - I was even so confident as to pick two dates that we could expect you; either July 31st or August 3rd. This would have made you a week to 10 days old right now and I fully expected to be blogging about the joys of new motherhood, the routine that we had settled into as a family and the dramatic weight loss I had already experienced (yes, I can hear the snickers of previously pregnant friends at these expectations :). I also had expected that I would have indulged in a couple of glasses of wine by this point (small and well spaced out of course as per breastfeeding guidelines but wine would have touched my tongue nonetheless). My plan went horribly awry when you failed to appear on either one of those dates. I thought 'well, DEFINITELY by the weekend then!' and chuckled knowingly. Well guess what my dearest son? It is now Monday morning, August 10th at 10:45 am and you have yet to show your little red, wrinkled face to us. Not only that, but there is zero indication that this will change anytime soon. I have tried red raspberry tea, long walks, hot and spicy Mexican food, going up and down the stairs, squatting and mentally willing you to come out. All this produced was sore legs and gas. No baby. To add insult to injury, guess what the temperature was outside yesterday? 34 BLOODY DEGREES! Walking outside is how I imagine that walking into Hell would be - not that I'm going there of course.

Yes, your due date is still two days off but at this point you are large - likely over 8lbs (and I don't know of a word that conveys that someone is bigger than 'ginormous,' but if there is one then use that to describe me). You are laying on my bladder all day every day meaning that I am in the restroom constantly (at least I think I have decided on colours to repaint when we have time, I've also finished quite a bit of reading - I should have probably bought one of those Rosetta Stones and learned a new language ... how funny would that be? My next blog could have been called 'German during Gestation')and due to my girth, aches and frequent bathroom breaks I am unable to sleep at night. I get winded going up the stairs, cannot see my feet and if these stretch marks crawl any further up my stomach then they will be on my face by the time you decide to show up. Your room has needed to be dusted AND vacuumed since it was put together which is surprising since there has been zero traffic in there *hint hint.*

Yes, in my last post I was very earth-motherish extolling the virtues of being pregnant and talking about how I will miss our time together. I probably will still miss the time together but my message this post is simple - PLEASE VACATE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY! (I'm not naive enough to think that you would be able to leave in an hour so you are being given 24 hours in which to follow this order ... I think that this timeframe is very fair). Failure to follow this order will result in ... well, I'm not sure exactly but likely a weepy, begging post. You don't want your mom to be weepy - just ask your dad.

We just can't wait to meet you and start our lives together as a family.

Looking forward to seeing you SOON!

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